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“You are all Buddhas.
There is nothing you need to achieve.
Just open your eyes.” The Buddha

“I’m OK and thank you for asking. I’ll admit to having had a bit of a rough spot and I’d be a fool to say it is behind me now. It is still with me and to one degree or another, it’s going to be keeping me company, on and off, for who knows how long?”

I wanted to get it out there in the most direct voice I could think of. As I always do, I had a very loose concept for the next story, which I want to get to, but I have been going through some shit and it would feel dishonest to type around this elephant in the room with me. You know, there is also this trap that’s easy to write myself into. Working on the words the way I do, it’s too easy for me to sound like I’ve got my shit together. 

I think there is a danger of falling in love with the words, trying to make them weave together in a calculated manner, intent on delivering an emotional response, transporting you to some perfect place of clarity. Christ, I hope I don’t do that, or at least not very often. 

What I am looking for is connection and being disingenuous doesn’t do it for me. Frankly, age has been kicking the shit out of me recently. Many years ago, while living in Santa Fe, I saw a wonderful documentary about Ram Dass’ recovery from a difficult stroke. I remember he said that he was not nearly as well prepared for death as he thought. It struck me that here’s this dude, this angelically, aware being and even he hadn’t quite gotten there yet. 

You know, most of us go through life, pretty relaxed about the ultimate, especially when it feels like it’s a long way away, even when it isn’t. For me, the truth is, if I can pull off another semi-decent ten years, I got no right to bitch or cling. I really don’t know how to describe it, but I have felt uncomfortable and distracted. This malaise is juxtaposed against my feeling a glide in my stride these days. It is like I am looking for trouble, any proxy will do. 

It just dawned on me that when I felt like sitting down to write the planned story, there was no way to escape how I was feeling and why the fuck would I anyway? However, in order to continue, I really needed to change my emotional wardrobe and do it in front of you, without turning my back. I am not sure you know how deeply, deeply personal this thing is I do with you. Well, got cotton in my throat and tears burning my eyes……………………………

I am not sure how long ago, my friend, Michael gifted me with a brilliant watercolor of the eyes of the Buddha. It instantly went to my prayer space, which has been part of my life for many years. It is always facing me and above me.  I think it would be very cool to be seen by this fellow. At the same time, and not lost on me, it would be equally as cool to see him. I think we would get along really well.

When I first got here, around twenty years ago, I immediately gravitated to a Zen temple in Hanapepe. Before coming here, while living in Santa Fe, I was introduced to the full glory of Zen and how fucken easy it was to say, “Oh yeah, I’ve got a Zen practice.” As shitty a practitioner as I have always been, I can also say that I have never felt so well served by its way of looking at absolutely everything. It embraces me like a prohibitively expensive, hand tailored suit, fit only for 007.

During my tenure at the temple, I was graced by a connection created with a guy named, Eiju. He was a bona fide, priest and man, he knew his shit. I swear to God, I have no idea why he embraced me the way he did. I could see my side of it, because being around him or talking with him was like mainlining the Buddha in my aorta. 

The most precious life in my life is my grandson. I asked Eiju to write something for him to go at the end of my worst selling memoir, Halloween in Portland-Diary of a Mind. He wrote it to him in Spanish and then translated into English. I wanted it to be from his native tongue, because it is far more genuine that way. It is a truly magnificent message about life.

There is an impossible to understand sutra, a Buddhist scripture, called The Heart Sutra. It seems to continually contradict itself, so when you think you’re there, you ain’t. It is a real pain in the ass. I think by the time you’re done, you get to a place where the more you can fully embrace yourself, every bit of yourself, the closer you are to the light. It is the light that slipped through Ram Dass’, prayer posed palms, his first time around. I’ll bet when he passed after some years on Maui, he finally became the light.

When this tale first began, it was about being seen by the eyes of Buddha. He is an elusive dude. I am willing to bet he was making a point of us seeing ourselves as clearly as we can and to never stop looking. His eyes are meant to be a mirror, because he only cares about what we see. 

As far as I am concerned, if I deny my frailties, I am denying the inevitable shadows that live behind the light, no matter how bright. Getting to know ourselves is life’s journey and it stops when our lives stop. 

Blessings to you.