Well, it’s Christmas Day and you’re supposed to be doing something today. I am sitting home, mildly confused by expectation. Truth be told, it is not a day with any special meaning for me, but it has always been a day off from work. However, if it mattered to people I cared about, I happily participated, at least some time. Spending this time with Laura. Even the years spent doing all sorts of independent venturers, it was still this gift of time.
My mind seems to be a bit more focused on 2022 coming in one week, but this is also a great time to feel the prior year within, a week before it completes itself. It can have a wonderfully, selfish quality about it, but I would call it introspection, hopefully done in moderation.
However, today feels like a time for reflection, not anticipation. Although, I do seem to be more prone to cogitation, regardless of the time, which is definitely the engine that drives the writing thing, too. A fresh example immediately comes to mind and it is the brand new MacBook Air I am typing my first story on. Several days ago, its predecessor decided to turn its back on me and disappeared behind a black, lifeless screen.
I am not certain when the idea of my longevity became a reality, factoring into many of my decisions. While the definition of tomorrow is unchanged, my relationship to it has creeped into my consciousness with a shocking stealth. It is certainly not remotely close to being a constant, thought companion, but more and more choices embrace it.
When I was first exposed to the Buddha somewhere in my thirties, the idea of impermanence resonated for me. Certainly, losing my father as a young kid contributed to my affinity for this inescapable truth. However, it was still more of a concept, feeling familiar, but still distant. No matter the age, life has a way of continually educating us, even though denial has always been a favorite detour along for the ride. The reality of the years has a way of quietly making itself felt and it is probably a good idea to allow it in, at least in my very humble opinion. God knows, I’m trying.
Thinking about getting a new computer was one of those instances, where the ticking clock became just a little bit louder than usual. Assuming this new, super sleek, steel grey, genius of a machine lasts as long as it is supposed to, it could be my last one. Now, before you think this is some kind of depressing revelation, it is not. It is reality, that word I find myself using more and more. It is a dispassionate look at how things are, not how you want them to be. I guess it’s about staying close to the ground without crashing. Hitting the ground is pessimism and that just ain’t gonna work.
I like this computer as much as I liked my first one, which was this huge, purple Apple. It was made of plastic, making it feel a bit like a toy. It reminded me a little of the guts of the early televisions, this big, yawning open mouth of sound and images, while the brains were packed behind it. It was so exciting and clearly felt like the beginning of a whole, new way of engaging the world for me. Now, here I am, gently tapping on the keyboard of its distant cousin and the changes have been stunning. These gizmos are not toys any longer.
It was really the internet that made these machines far more powerful than anyone could have imagined. The initial purity of innovation is magnificent. It is us at our best. Then, something inevitably seems to happen and some of us figure out how to take advantage of the idea. Tools all too often become weapons in our world.
Let me revisit the reality pulpit for just a moment. When I look back over this last year, I find it hard to understand what has happened to us. Of course, the truth is, we have been on this kind of trajectory forever, but it’s these machines that have been the game changer, speeding us to where we now find ourselves. I remember when something called truth actually had substance about it. There were these things called facts, the building blocks of truth that created the landscape we inhabited. I don’t know what’s happened to them.
My life has been an ongoing adjustment to time and sometimes not all that graceful. This past year is no exception either. At least I have some control over my life, but when I look at the tsunami of our forever behavior toward each other and our home, I am increasingly realistic about what I see.
‘I guess you could say reality is not supposed to be happy or sad, good or bad, it is just what’s gonna actually happen. I am trying to do it in my life and I will let you know how it’s working out.
On to next year.