“One ought to hold on to one’s heart; for if one lets it go, one soon loses control of the head too.” Friedrich Nietzsche
This could be one of my best beginnings ever. I have started writing, because I got tired of writing. What? Several stories ago, I told you I got a writing gig with the County. Needless to say, my loosey goosey style was not going to work, nor should it. I am tasked with sharing people’s stories and things they are doing. Helter skelter, bullshitting simply won’t cut it.
I have a tiny tape recorder and sit with these folks. We talk about their lives, what they care about and why they are doing their work. I have been telling my stories for so long now, it comes naturally and I really enjoy it. Two factors weigh in here. I am telling someone else’s story. I take it as a huge responsibility, seriously. I am being paid to do it, so there is a reason behind it, too.
When I do my thing with you, I am completely relaxed and as honest as I can be. Beyond that, I can’t say I really give a shit, primarily because it is not a job. I am actually energized doing this thing, while the other can get a bit tiring, requiring my taking a break. For the record, I am officially taking a break.
I am around half way through transcribing my next story and I needed to stop, because it started to feel tiring, a creative warning sign. The good news for me is that I can put it aside and just keep on going, like putting on a song I can dance to and not caring what I look like doing it.
I am not sure quite when it started, this feeling that I have run out of stories. I swear, each time I post one of these little ditties, I can’t imagine what the fuck I can possibly come up with after the hundreds I have written and shared with you. I know for a fact, I am not very interesting, so I don’t sit here on some magic carpet, waiting for a lightening bolt. Now, each time I throw one of these puppies up, I think I am done and know that nobody really gives a shit anyway.
When I least expect it, resigned to being empty, something manages to goose me and I write a title on an empty page. I then look for a quote, like a crutch I can lean on in the vapidity I immediately feel, with nothing but a title and no idea where to go.
After sitting with the quote, I briefly pretend I actually have something to add and almost always up with some fucked up line to follow. This one is: the falsehood of facts and the truth of feelings.In a way, it could be a bit of blow back from my gig. Fortunately for me, I have this outlet, where I can just be nuts and get away with it.
The certainty of facts is very comforting. Things like science and mathematics speak a kind of truth to us that is very grounding. They are like a comforter, placed over our feelings, rife with uncertainties. God Bless my mother, Ida, who would often say something like, “Because I told you so and that’s that.” Kids questions are not always answered with a response, rather a rule ends the discussion.
Well kids, life is all about questions and the answers have much more to do with feelings than facts. We seem to be uncomfortable not knowing and often any answer will do, as long as it stops that grinding in the pit of your stomach, an ailment from disbelief……………………………..
It’s been a couple of days since I wrote the above. Today, I did more transcribing from the tape recorder and my brain started going numb once again. Rather than pick up this story where I left off, I went fishing first and now I am back, kind of on the same jag I was on at the end of the last entry.
Having some time to think about the story I started up at the top, I realized the point I was trying to make about facts and feelings is right in my face. My job is about writing the facts of a person’s life, the details of their lives. I recognize the importance of being accurate, keeping dates and locations and experiences, holding to the truth of someone else’s life, the way they have lived it.
I get confused about sides of the brain and which half does what. I know the work I am doing involves the other side of my stories to you. Personally, accuracy and I have a loose relationship, because it is not what I care about. On top of that, I think facts mean different things to different people.
Might I draw your attention to global warming and the fact that the science is being debated. The percentage of people, who think it is bullshit is mind blowing. The Thwaites Glacier, lovingly nicknamed the Doomsday Glacier is a perfect example. This fucker is the size of Florida and it is melting, an indisputable fact. The thing about ice melting in nature is that it will not refreeze, like in the fridge.
To make matters even worse, scientists have been bought, silencing their findings. Folks at Exxon Mobil knew about the deadly connection between global warming and fossil fuel back in the Sixties, and science was silenced by the buck.
My God, how could I possibly forget Covid, the gift that keeps on giving. From a marketing standpoint, it never should have been called a vaccine, because it unleashed a shit show of lunatics and their remedies.
What am I getting at? It’s all about feelings, baby. Let me make something clear, I am thrilled to actually be getting paid to be a writer. Have I sold my soul? No way. I am being a disciplined professional and taking my work very seriously. When it comes to the stories of mine you read, I am all over the map and I don’t care. With you guys, I am just writing. I am governed by feelings and facts are fake, continually overruled by the moment they find their way to paper.
When I write to you, I never feel like I need a break, because that would put a creative bridle on the energy punching out my words. There is nothing about it I would consider exhausting. On the contrary, it is invigorating. Doing things ass backwards, my favorite direction, it took writing the stories of other people’s lives to make me realize the difference between the two.
Honestly, I am not even sure this is a story worth sharing. I am completely at home writing about feelings. It is easy. What is hard is feeling a sense of responsibility in the creative process and it can get tiring, which is when I take a break and get back to the bullshit that makes you smile.
Smile!
LISTEN TO IT HERE:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/admin/1292459/episodes/15832715-not-what-but-how