“Love is a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” – Aristotle
I have been wanting to write this story for a while now. Yeah, I’ve probably used that fucken line far too many times. If I had to pick favorite subjects, two, right at the top of the list, are love and time. I have this story where they come together and I want to tell you about it.
Just around two months ago, I got a message from someone, apologizing for sharing my story. I had never seen the name before and far be it from me to simply go and check out her Facebook page. I don’t know how many times I have told you that I would never use social media, if it wasn’t for this writing problem I have. It would also be too easy to use my age as an excuse and I don’t ever do that, not as an excuse, but a reason. There is a difference between the two. I know it is hard to believe, but I am actually very private and I relish it. I share feelings, not facts.
So, the two of us communicate just a little through messaging. Somehow, I said I wrote a book and I’d be happy to give her a copy. It took some convincing to tell her that I never want anyone to just go on Amazon and order it. For the past ten years, I have kept a small carton of copies in my car and like the old time, snake oil salesman, I run out to get a copy to give away, if it somehow comes up in conversation, never initiated by me.
I don’t even recall how I knew she lived on island, but I told her I’d be happy to give her a copy. Well, she says she’ll be in Lihue on a certain day and time and I say fine. On that day, one of my very favorite young people at the brewery came pounding up the stairs to the office and says, “There is a really good looking lady asking for you.”
I had written some innocuous bullshit that writers write on books they give away and went downstairs. When I saw her, faster than a blink, I knew she was it. I can’t tell you how or why and it doesn’t matter. I had been writing a lot about feeling change coming at me, ever since my Alaska trip. I never imagined that finding a woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was ever part of my leap of faith. In fact, I pretty much resigned myself to never having a relationship again and you have to be my age to truly appreciate that. It is not a depressing state, it is pretty much looking at where you are and the landscape of your life.
Now, if you think this is about the details of it all, you got the wrong guy and that is not the story I want to tell. I looked at this lady and spoke with her for an otherworldly half hour, at the most. Who can explain the heart? I am not that guy, even if it is possible, and I don’t believe it for a minute. Artists have gone everywhere imaginable, trying to define a word that has no business being one. You can explain the science of a rainbow, but you can’t show how it touches, nor touch it, and that is love.
I knew, without an ounce of doubt, I had met the last love of my life. I will die loving her and there is a certainty that can only come with all the years I have been gifted. This is what I really want to write to you about. I have never been so fully invested in anything, human or otherwise. I have nothing to lose, nothing at risk, because I am all in.
You know, when you think you have absolutely nothing to lose, there is no reason to hold back. As we speak, it is what I am doing and I have never felt so liberated ever in my life. Christ, all the fucken games we play, everyday with everybody. This became my story for today, not the details of my relationship, which are none of your business.
Man, the bullshit we tell each other and all the indirection and deception we practice everyday. Most every interaction is mind blowing and this is where I want to go with you. I have been as honest as I know how with this lady and it really got me thinking about how dishonest I have been throughout my life. With this woman, I feel I have nothing to protect, deceptions that don’t make any sense.
Leave it to me. I started with all the conversations we have, yours and mine, all our connections and how full of shit we are and why do we do it? In my relationship, I feel a kind of freedom I never imagined possible. I know it comes from a place of trust, but where does this trust come from? I have an answer. It comes from me and not from her. So, what the hell is it that prevents us from being honest with each other, as if it is the very last time we will have to be that person.
No, I am not interested in being that jerk, who wants you to walk on burning coals and not feel anything. I also don’t have a name for what I am talking about and a book that I need to write about it. I am just like you, although an older version of many of you. We armor ourselves with this porous shit that keeps nothing out, while we pretend not to feel it deep inside.
Maybe I am a fucken mule and needed to truly be hit over the head with the truth of our time here and how we need to practice on relating to those around us. I don’t have an answer for that. Somehow, I feel deeply in love with another and I believe it is my very last chance to drop all the shit I have used to protect myself from you, too.
I am right here, right now and I want you to think about being as honest as you can with those you care for and those that care about you. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by thinking it is your very last chance to be who you have always wanted to be. Our lives are spent holding back and holding back, as if there will always be tomorrow. Time is not generous and only affords us this moment.
I share this with you, with nothing but love in my heart. How cool is that?
Thank you so very much and bless you all.