I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day. When it’s cold outside, I’ve got the month of May.” – Smokey Robinson
I have been busting to tell this story, even though I had no idea how I would do that. I have to tell you something, before I get going. Well, that is not exactly true, because I am obviously already going.
Before sitting down, where I am right now, just a bit earlier, I listened to Jeff Beck “sing” Moon River with his guitar. It is a fantastic piece of music, with Eric Clapton doing vocals. Apparently, it was recorded weeks before his death. Guys like him created the music I grew up with in the Sixties and beyond. I consider it a gift of magical coincidence. I am inseparable from it.
On the subject of gifts, my birthday falls within this month, on the 29th. Writing the way I do, how could I possibly let my birthday go by with bupkis on the page? I love this month, it’s my 100% favorite. In the past, it has served as an anchor, grounding me as I embraced change, precipitated by this special anniversary of mine. To me, it is living the circle of life, just one step, one breath behind catching up with it.
Astrologically speaking, I am a Gemini. I swear I am not going to look it up right now, so I can bullshit you about how much I know. I had a serious reading, when I was back in NYC, several thousand years ago. She had a very scholarly approach, which I respected. I am not going to tell you what she said, but there was nothing I’d bitch about. As a result of the split nature of the sign, internal dialogue between the selves is a perfect salve for the writer. I have always talked to myself and thank God, I’ve never moved my lips!
To me, birthdays gradually become more and more serious with the passage of time. In the beginning, they are innocent celebrations, but ever so slowly, expectations slither in. The first time my birthday became a safe passage to the unknown was back in ’87.
After 42 years of suffocating in NYC, I had to leave or just spiritually shrivel up and die. The choice was the hardest one back then and will never be outdone, ever. My birthday was on a Friday, when I had my going away party. On that Sunday, I hit the road to Santa Fe and stopped to embrace my sons. If I wrote how painful it was for me, they both could rightly say I was a selfish fuck for leaving.
My time in Santa Fe felt like it was preordained to be incredibly life affirming. I met nature and the Buddha. Adulthood no longer had any meaning. I had been playing so many roles, I had no idea who the fuck I was. In my best Gemini, we got to know each other better and better, out there in The Land of Enchantment.
After around fifteen glorious years in the high desert country, it was time to relocate the journey. The decision to leave NYC was based on beginning to believe my life is meant to be a private odyssey, always just one step behind joining the circle of life. It was time, once again, to make a move. I ended up finding a home for the rest of my life.
How Kauai was chosen for me is too long a story and this is about timing. My move was set for May 2003. I knew that no matter what happened, I needed to be on island for my birthday, which ended up becoming tricky for me, and it caught me completely by surprise.
I drove my red Toyota truck across the country, to the port in LA. The May dates are a little lost in here. I had a one way ticket to Kauai and spent the night before in a cheap, depressing hotel.
Completely out of the blue, my brother called and there was no way it was going to be good. Our mother had a massive stroke and he was on his way to NYC to the hospital, where she was taken. I completely freaked out and I remember even trying to open the windows, but they were all sealed. The anxiety was suffocating.
After I could finally hear my internal voice, I decided I needed to go to Kauai as planned. I had to drop off my things at the rented place and get some stuff. I knew if I went to be with my Mother right away, without having any grounding, I’d be at risk. I really liked her very much and her passing would finally make me an orphan, a fear I had since I was nine when my father died. Those kind of primal feelings don’t watch the clock either.
The moment I got to see her, I knew we had to take her home for hospice. The time my brother and I got to spend with her was extraordinary. She exuded an elegance and grace that was a privilege to experience. Ida left on May 22nd. I stayed there several days with my brother, taking care of business.
Kauai and my birthday were married in my mind. It was important to know she was waiting for me, which is why i held to that initial trip, decided on that dark night in LA.
I know there were times, living in Santa Fe, where I felt like I owned the place, in terms of comfort level. In fact, it just set me up for this island, which had been waiting for me my whole life.
I even tried to leave, but like some of the other side roads on this trip, I came home. I’d have to say my 70th birthday was 100% the impetus for my one and only “bucket list” entry. I rented a Harley and rode a couple of thousand miles through Yosemite and up into Bend, OR, over to the Pacific and down the coastline to SanFrancisco. It was fantastic and terrifying.
Looking back over this year, carrying it with me, as I slip into the next, I am feeling better than I have in quite some time. As time accumulated, it felt like a weight to me. I just feel lighter these days.
I am going into my 78th feeling pretty good, for an old guy. In a birthday mood, I ordered some Beats Studio Buds, a serious upgrade for my magical, music walking serenades, replacing my antiquated wired headphones. Fortunately, they will arrive after this story, which is already dangerously long.
When living in Santa Fe, a very dear friend gave me a sterling silver pendant of something called the eternal knot, a beautiful Buddhist image with a seriously positive vibe. One of the very first things I did when I got here, was to get that symbol tattooed on my right shoulder.
Over time, the pendant was replaced by others that had great personal significance. In keeping with this new found feeling of positivity, I grabbed that time-blackened pendant and sent it to a gifted designer, with a shared story. She created a brilliant piece for my grandson that time travels me all the way back to when I first thought about writing to him. It is now on its way back to me, with a beautiful, hand made chain and an emerald tear drop, sitting in a little gold cup.It is my birthstone, after all.
I now even have a plan for my 80th. I’ll be going over to Vancouver, BC and then taking a road trip to the Kootenay Mountains. My grandson doesn’t even know it yet, but he is going to come along.
If you’re still with me, I appreciate it. Stay around for my 80th. It will be a while, but I’ll keep you posted. Thank you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY IDA. I LOVE YOU.