“Freedom and happiness are found in the flexibility and ease with which we move through change.” The Buddha
You know, it’s funny, sometimes I have no idea where words come from. It feels like I’ve made them up. Then, I check the dictionary and up til this moment, I have always been wrong. The only words I have invented are ones that I knowingly misspelled or misused and flexion isn’t one of them.
The word is derived from the act of curving or bending. Honestly, I liked how it sounded and thought to use it in a story about the changes in my life. I have written about change many times before, but never with the idea of grace, a fluidity of movement. I went with the Zen thing of change, occurring with each breath, a moment to moment, unfolding of uncertainty.
Not only that, I now find a damn quote by The Buddha, which shit cans my staccato theory of change. I know I have always used my Fred Astaire Theory of Grace. As the years changed his body and its capabilities, he adapted his style and never looked like he was faking it. So, we got the stillness of The Buddha and the flowing movement of Fred, both exhibiting a flexion in their embrace of the next moment.
Of course, I will now sound like a puts when I say words have power. After all, what the fuck have I been doing all these years? One word changed the story I was cemented in sharing. I was going to write about the changes in my life, which I will get to, as if they were each ninety degree turns on my highway of life. I was prepared to share them as wrenching experiences, like slaps in the face, leaving my flat footed and totally exposed.
What a schmuck!
I have repeatedly brought up my trip to Wrangell, AK and its profound impact on my life. If you give a shit about taking a trip down memory lane, you can easily find it on the blog. It’s pretty long, so not for now, if ever.
I came away with a very, very powerful feeling that change was coming to my life and my only job was to be open to it, all of it. Wouldn’t you know it? It happened and it is still happening. Honestly, until I “made up” that word a few days ago, all I could see and feel were sharp edges, ones that cut the day before from the day after.
There really aren’t a lot of cool things about getting older, really older, but one of them gives you the freedom to change your mind and people can go fuck themselves if they have a problem with it. The years have afforded me this luxury.
The idea of a fluidity to change didn’t seem to mesh with the rigidity of my routine. I was locked into a schedule of doing pretty much the same thing, six days each week, for over ten years. Now, that’ll dig a hole for you. One part of it, I confess to liking was not having to think much at all about what was next. It can make you terribly lazy. It was so easy, too easy.
Man, things have really changed, professionally and personally. It has been and continues to be, unsettling and exciting. I confess to having moments of feeling overwhelmed and I think that has kind of reinforced the idea of broken lines versus curved ones.
I have been sitting on the damn cushion, every morning, for well over thirty years. I continually read about the Zen platitudes and feel like I’ve done a pretty lousy job of embodying them. Every now and then, I embrace the idea that I’m creating my own way of walking in the world. I know for certain I am doing it right now.
I read a fabulous quote from E.E. Cummings about the value of feeling and part went like this, “the moment you feel, you’re nobody-but-yourself.” I sent the full quote to my grandson, the reason why I began all this writing in the first place. Over the years, he has been growing up and I am so happy for both of us.
I realized my view of change, ignored the flow of my feelings. What I am experiencing now had to happen, because I’ve been traveling on my path for many, many years now and how it is going is how it is supposed to go.
The idea that you can’t see what is up ahead, doesn’t mean it is around a corner, lurking to entrap you. The life I am living now is the life I envisioned for myself, before I could see it. I have been climbing out of the rut of repetition for a couple of years now. My time in Alaska was a magnificent line in the sand, with no going back to what was.
E.E. Cummings was talking about being an original version of yourself, with no copies. The Buddha was alluding to the grace we embody as we move through the changes that bring us to ourself. Between us, it gets me nervous to think I might actually understand all this. The trick for me is keep my mouth shut, excluding these stories, because they’re our secret.
Today happens to be a Friday, a day or two after starting this little ditty. It was the morning of the Great Rain. I spent last night with a remarkable lady, who will now be stuck with me for the rest of my life. I am a couple! Now, there is a totally unexpected curve ball! Nothing is any longer like it was before our meeting. It lives everywhere within me and it’s unique, something all my own, feelings that belong to only me, nobody but me, shared as best I can with a true partner.
I have just begun my writing project for the County, taking notes and talking to people. It feels like living in a story and recounting my experiences with honesty and integrity. Am I shocked this has happened? Yup. It is a perfect word coda for me. I know I like to portray myself as some kind of word virgin, but buried back in my history are loads of writing gigs. I even wrote made up, adventurous, tea stories that fit on boxes of Yogi Tea!
I am also proud of the work I’ve done these past years with the brewery. I have helped to create an institution in this community. It no longer defines me, because the curves in the road are taking me on a journey that feels like it is just beginning, yet again.
Today is still Friday and I really didn’t have anything to do and every now and then, I have to remember the day. Even that is brand new for me. I will forever be working at feeling like, “I got this.” These days, it feels like I am being introduced to myself by my self. It is never the same, but bread crumbs of feeling trace the path, from yesterday, til today, on to tomorrow.
You know, only one ass can fit on the cushion at a time and after I get up and do my three bows, forehead touching the ground, it is only me. I am enjoying being an original, gliding the curves, feeling the feelings, being nobody, but myself.
Thanks for coming along.