“I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.” Albert Einstein 

“The person writing this to you was born on that dark night, when we were nine years old. Our father suddenly died from a heart attack, usually fatal back then. Somewhere, deep within you, you knew all about me and our future.

Before going one word further, I have to tell you what the fuck I am up to, otherwise, this will scare the shit out of you. While researching a book for our grandson, Shane, I came across a fascinating idea, not an original one. This author wrote to his eight year old self with such love, patience and understanding. He wrote in the language of the old man. Then, that’s when all the bells went off and here we are.

The most important time in my life was that night, alone in our bedroom, I cried. I have great empathy for the little boy in us all. You know, I have always wondered where my crying comes from. Trust me, I have never met anyone, who can cry over most anything. Now that we’re talking, I’ll fucken bet it comes from that floating in the dark-sky, time of that lonely night. We understood loss at a young age.

I realize this may take our Gemini thing to a serious extreme. I am certain I will make a mess of the pronouns while talking to you. Time will likely get butchered as well. I curse a lot. I know our mother, Ida, would never have put up with it, until she couldn’t do anything about it. For a stupid kid, I think we were as respectful as we could be. 

Hopefully, the older you get, the less you will feel the need to apologize for who you are. What am I saying? Of course you will. I am cheating, because I know how all of this shit works out for you.

I am not writing to you as if you’re a child. This is me now, in this skinny, little moment, writing to both of us. The truth is, I only know one way to write and this it. I don’t want to bore you with too much crap, but I came to writing when we were already in our late sixties, if you can believe that.

I also don’t want to fuck you up by going into too much detail. As much as we think we can make a difference in our lives, everything is pre-ordained. You will never outsmart it. Whatever you do, no matter how crazy it may seem at the time, that is precisely what has been transcribed in the book of your life.

For Jewish boys in Queens in the Fifties, it had to be a math and science aptitude on steroids, or facing abject failure. You will find out we sucked in that arena. 

You are surrounded by scary bright kids. I am not cheating here, because you already had an idea it wasn’t for you. I am so positive the need for self-expression was inside you. Sometimes, I wish it had been nurtured. Instead, obeisance to the herd pushed you to the back of the over-achiever line.

It’s so funny, it took the birth of our grandson, Shane, to push me deep inside myself. I found the writer, hiding in the dark shadows of that night of ours. I would love to think I can actually communicate with you and share our life and what I might have to offer you now. Writing this way, allows me to do just that! 

I would never dream of changing brothers. He was a bit of a pain in the ass back then. However, imagine being only  twelve years old, having just been crushed by the loss of your father and all these assholes are telling you, “You are the man of the house!” In a way, he was a shield, taking the blows, while you and I smiled and skirted around the skirmishes. Believe me, we would not have changed him, even if we could. He was Marty and still is.

This came up, because of a bizarre thought. What an incredible, big brother Shane would be.You guys have so much in common, but that is even too weird for me. I can tell you today, he and I share the Qi, meeting in that timeless place where knowing souls embrace. 

I know you will learn to appreciate the journey ahead. Of course, when I say this, I am cheating, because I have been living it for us. I realized that what happened to us both that night, was indelibly burnt into my heart, the spiritual kiln that births knowing. I am still on the road, healing myself, a little each day.

I know you felt terribly alone that night. For you, it is a frightening thought. Now, for me, it is a reality, not nearly as shitty as you may think, but that’s not fair either. I could never be here without you. I think of you very often. In a way, neither of us are alone, because we have each other.

I think that night made me dive deep into myself, hoping to hear a voice that would make feel that all would be OK. I have kept up that internal dialogue all these years and it’s what I now save for the page.

This living thing is a funny business, believe me. I don’t know how many times I’ve thought, “If one single speck of dust changed at any nano-second in my life, I would not be here, being who I am. Seriously, there are infinite lives, waiting to inhabit our bodies and amidst it all, there is a purposeful, divine roulette. We become who we were meant to be.

I know why this has come up now, because the more you look, the more you will find there is no such thing as accidents. In a handful of days, I am flying to visit my grandson, Shane and his dad, Andy, our son. Yeah, I know, it is kind of mind blowing. His wife, our daughter-in-law, is a major babe, as well.

You know, I am not about to get any trophies for being the world’s Greatest Dad. God only knows, you and I had good intentions, but we ended up living in an incredible cluster fuck. I tell you, man, that is the fucken nature of life, imperfection rules!

I have been blessed with the most incredible opportunity of my life. You were kind of screwed, because you lost the male role model, you could neither emulate or rebound from. As a parent, you and I kind of made it up as we went along. The bitch is, it took the passage of decades for me to actually understand what this dance is all about. 

I wish I could bring up our sons today, with all the lessons from the years, but I can’t. The most magical thing happened with the birth of our grandson. I was gifted a chance to share what I have learned, not to ever be unoriginal, always provocative. I know for goddamn sure after all this time with him, we fucken did it. We will live inside him for the rest of his life.

As for you and I, I’m not sure we’re done yet. I totally love the idea of being able to talk to the two boys in my literary life. I love the idea of double teaming Shane with the timeless child in me and the old guy, with those fucken, blood marks on his shrinking skin, who occasionally rifles  into moments of electrifying clarity.

Truth be told, we speak with one voice, you and i.

Sending my love all the way back through the years, embracing this wonderful gift of our life and so thrilled I get to share it with our grandson.

I have loved talking to you both. I know we will meet some day in the blinding light of love, but I’m in no hurry. 

All my love,

Me”